Okay, so dating in Los Angeles. It’s hard. I don’t know what goes awry sometimes – I’m not sure if it’s me or them. Part of me has a tendency to think that there is something wrong with me. Part of me thinks that I’m dysfunctional and screwed up and that no one would ever want to be with me. It’s silly to think that way, though. I am kind, sweet, take care of myself, have integrity, and am not bad looking. Yet I’ve been single for over three years.
People tell me “don’t look, it will happen when the time is right” or “focus on yourself.” Yes, I look sometimes. But focus on myself? I’ve been doing that for years. I’m 28, I’m ready to settle down for a bit.
I’ve had 2 relationships in the past 10 years; both lasted for a year. Yeah, I’ve dated men briefly but if it’s only a month or 2, I don’t count that as a relationship. I have had 2 “almost” relationships where I spent 3 or 4 months talking to someone and those two somehow hurt the most when I was let down.
A small part of me wishes I could briefly read minds. I wouldn’t want to stay or linger. I just want to know why things don’t work out. Like, “ohh, he hates the way I chew… I guess that’s a dealbreaker.” But if I knew the WHY, would I try to change to become suitable for someone? I really don’t know. If it was some sort of core, character flaw then yes I would want to change.
I have had a few men tell me that I am “like a man sometimes.” Yes, I’m aggressive, blunt, and assertive. I go after what I want. Does this emasculate men? I’ve had a few people tell me that I’m “scary” or “intense”…. or that I’m a “handful.” When I hear that a girl is “scary” or a “handful,” I think of someone who gets sloppy blackout drunk on a regular basis, never pays her bills on time, is desperately needy for attention, fights with other females or has a dirty living space. I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum. My apartment is clean, my bills are paid on time, I don’t have much debt, I stay fit and eat healthy, and I have a college education. Of course I’m not perfect, but is it scarier for some men that I am this way? Like, are they looking for someone broken who needs their help? Are they afraid of being let down or abandoned by someone like me?
I wish that a guy from my past would have the communication skills necessary to be honest and tell me, “okay, it was this. This is why things didn’t work out.” I would so much rather hear the truth than some BS excuse or lie.
Maybe it’s timing. I seriously don’t know, but dating is a topic that perplexes me constantly.