Sunday Morning Musings

Okay, so dating in Los Angeles. It’s hard. I don’t know what goes awry sometimes – I’m not sure if it’s me or them. Part of me has a tendency to think that there is something wrong with me. Part of me thinks that I’m dysfunctional and screwed up and that no one would ever want to be with me. It’s silly to think that way, though. I am kind, sweet, take care of myself, have integrity, and am not bad looking. Yet I’ve been single for over three years.

People tell me “don’t look, it will happen when the time is right” or “focus on yourself.” Yes, I look sometimes. But focus on myself? I’ve been doing that for years. I’m 28, I’m ready to settle down for a bit.

I’ve had 2 relationships in the past 10 years; both lasted for a year. Yeah, I’ve dated men briefly but if it’s only a month or 2, I don’t count that as a relationship. I have had 2 “almost” relationships where I spent 3 or 4 months talking to someone and those two somehow hurt the most when I was let down.

A small part of me wishes I could briefly read minds. I wouldn’t want to stay or linger. I just want to know why things don’t work out. Like, “ohh, he hates the way I chew… I guess that’s a dealbreaker.” But if I knew the WHY, would I try to change to become suitable for someone? I really don’t know. If it was some sort of core, character flaw then yes I would want to change.

I have had a few men tell me that I am “like a man sometimes.” Yes, I’m aggressive, blunt, and assertive. I go after what I want. Does this emasculate men? I’ve had a few people tell me that I’m “scary” or “intense”…. or that I’m a “handful.” When I hear that a girl is “scary” or a “handful,” I think of someone who gets sloppy blackout drunk on a regular basis, never pays her bills on time, is desperately needy for attention, fights with other females or has a dirty living space. I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum. My apartment is clean, my bills are paid on time, I don’t have much debt, I stay fit and eat healthy, and I have a college education. Of course I’m not perfect, but is it scarier for some men that I am this way? Like, are they looking for someone broken who needs their help? Are they afraid of being let down or abandoned by someone like me?

I wish that a guy from my past would have the communication skills necessary to be honest and tell me, “okay, it was this. This is why things didn’t work out.” I would so much rather hear the truth than some BS excuse or lie.

Maybe it’s timing. I seriously don’t know, but dating is a topic that perplexes me constantly.

One thought on “Sunday Morning Musings

  1. Or just maybe you are perfect just the way God made you! He dosent want you to change for anyone but him.. saving you from all the men in the world that are unfit to be loved by his “daughter”
    God knit you in your mother’s whom, he took 9 months putting together what he sees as his perfect master piece! And he thinks you are beautiful and wonderfully made!

    What happens to us? a whole lot of life! Broken people raising us, and a bunch of broken people all doing life together. When we do not know “who’s ” we are, we will not know the true value of “who” we are!
    We are “daughters” of the most high!

    Maybe he did not allow us to find everything we are looking for in someone because we would be settlling for a tiny fraction of who “Jesus”
    our hearts where created to love and be loved and only the one who created our hearts can truly fill them.
    God longs to anwser our prayers, loves to give us the best. When we come to know him and who he is we start to think and see life differently.

    BRENN I believe God has allowed you to live with an emptiness inside so that you would chase and seek until you found what your searching for. Although you thought it would be a man he is giving you something incredibly more!
    He sent me to you! He has been with you all along, whispering to you.. “you are more”
    When we experience and encounter Jesus, our lives radically change! His plans and his purpose go so much deeper than anything we could ever imagine.
    He brings along the right people we need and will show you a husband who is fit to love you in way that you deserve and a way that will thank him for.
    Not once have I regretted meeting Jesus and not once have I regretted allowing him to change me life:)
    He has so much more than I could have ever dreamed of!!
    Seek after Jesus and he will make himself known to you:) it will be like nothing you have ever experienced in this life time!!!!


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