There was no exact moment and I’m not quite sure when it happened, but at some point, the lights came on. Everything lit up and for the first time, I saw you and you saw me. Countless times, we had driven around town in semi awkward silence, looking for a place to pull over and park. On top of you, I was finally able to relax somehow. Like I could finally breathe. I breathed into your open mouth and we fucked almost as though we were afraid of someone hearing us, even though we were all alone in the van that your band toured in with crumpled chip bags on the floor and an occasional hoodie.

“I don’t want to cum on your seat,” I’d whisper self consciously.

“Fucking do it,” you’d say, entwining big, tanned fingers further around my skinny white throat. You knew I loved it. That’s that’s what set me over the edge. And I would cum. And I would cum again. Clear, hot, wet, gushing liquid…. All over the seats. I couldn’t even stop it. Sometimes you made me cum so much it would start splashing up onto both of us and little droplets hit my face. I would quietly giggle.

Sometimes after we fucked, I would cry. Only when I was alone though because I was too proud to let you see that I had feelings. That I was human. I cried because I wanted you, but I didn’t know how to let myself open up. You never knew I could make silly voices or do a Russian accent.

I have no idea when we started getting to actually know each other. You’re gone now. But I know you’re still there. I know you are thinking about me sometimes. And I know that you love me. I’m sorry that you cheated on your girlfriend with me. That’s not what I wanted. I want to be your girlfriend. I know that you want all of me though and that’s not something I can give right now.

Face pressed into my white bathroom mat, I sobbed today. But only for a few minutes. Because I am still too proud to admit how much I love you and how much I wish things could have worked out. I wish we could have become more than friends. You know almost everything about me.

Somewhere along the way, you finally saw me for the first time. You recognized me. I was more than just a mouth around your cock, even though that’s how I thought you saw me all along. I picture us like pinballs in a machine. Pinging around back and forth and sometimes intersecting, bouncing off one another. We are both so busy. Maybe it’s better this way.

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