Question #1

I’m so excited! I got my first official question about relationship advice. It came from a friend of a friend via text message.

Dear Brenn,

I have boy trouble and I feel like maybe you will be the only one who won’t ask dumb questions. I started as my boyfriend’s secondary. Him and his primary broke up and she moved out about 2 and 1/2 months ago. Tonight I asked him if he’s slept with her since the break up and he said ‘yes’ and from the way it sounded it was not very recent and said he doesn’t intend to do it again. I asked him if he slept with anyone else and he said ‘yes’ which sounded more recent and I made him take me home because I was obviously bummed and didn’t want to be around him but we both agree we need to get together and have a conversation. As far as I’m concerned, he cheated on me and I don’t really want anything to do with that kind of dude.

Sincerely, Polly Amoury.

 

Dear Polly,

It’s difficult because it sounds like your boundaries were different with him when you first met/got together because you started out as his secondary. Maybe he felt that it is still okay to sleep with other girls. Did you guys have a conversation about this when he became your official boyfriend? Like, what your expectations of each other are?

xo Brenn

 

Dear Brenn,

I mean, it’s fine for him [to sleep with other girls] as long as he tells me. I’m just kinda wondering where I go from here. Like in a normal relationship, I’d obviously just break up with him but this isn’t “normal” and our relationship has changed a lot so I want to talk about boundaries and expectations but I’m really hurt. 

Polly

 

Over the next couple days, Polly and I talked some more over text. I suggested that she have a conversation with her boyfriend and establish some clear, healthy boundaries. She explained that he had never really been briefed on rules of poly-dating and that this is one of his first polyamorous relationships. She explained that she was more upset about the fact that he didn’t tell her about sleeping with another girl; she said that she would like to know if he’s met a girl that he’s really into because maybe all three of them could hang out.

After their conversation, I asked Polly if her boyfriend agreed to be more open and communicate better in the future. She said yes and that now he understands what she wants out of the relationship and what her expectations are.

I wish these two… or maybe 3 😉 … the best!

 

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