13 Year Old Me

This is a diary-entry from when I was 13 years old.

“After 2nd period at break I was standing with Scottie, Steve and Drew. ‘Where’s Ben?’ I asked. All of a sudden one of his friends came up and said, “Umm… Ben doesn’t wana go out with you anymore.’ I guess he expected me to break down and start bawling and crying everywhere but I just shrugged my shoulders and acted like I didn’t care but my heart had just cracked in half. ‘Okay,’ I said casually. He walked away then I went over to Jasmine and rested my head on her shoulder. ‘He dumped me,’ I said in a flat voice. I lifted my head and looked around. I saw Ben to my left and he looked into my eyes; I looked away. All day everyone was like, ‘Ohmygod Brenn, are you okay?’ I guess I’m trying not care but after one month and 5 days, I’d grown really attached to Ben and all the cute things he did. He walked me to my mom’s car after school, his cute hugs, the way he dresses, how he never had bad breath even after eating Ranch Doritos, how he ran to catch up with me when we were walking our lap every day in PE, how he ran to catch up with me to go to an assembly, he protected me, if one of his friends made fun of me he’d get so mad, he’d come find me at break or lunch, when we’d both look right into each other’s eyes sometimes, how shy he was, how he didn’t want me to know he smoked weed coz he thought I wouldn’t like him anymore. He got so scared when Summer told me to dump him and then how he looked afterwards when I said I’d never do that. If a guy slapped my ass he’d get up in their face and say ‘Leave my girlfriend alone,’ When Kristy jokingly said she’d kick my ass and he said ‘I’d never let you touch her,’ how he wrapped his arms around me when Monica was taking pics of us, he let me have his jacket when I was cold and just everything about him. Oh! And the way he said when you kiss someone it can’t be forced, it has to be special. When Steve asked ‘Does your pussy bite fingers?’ because I have 2 cats and Ben said ‘Don’t ask her that. It’s not respectful to talk to girls like that.’ He told Mrs. Torres the noon-duty aid that he does he own laundry and I thought that was cute. How every time I saw him I liked him more and more, the way he looked so great all the time, how he’s super hyper sometimes and says cute random stuff, just EVERYTHING!! Why do I still like him when HE dumped ME?”

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